Sick

Does anyone remember the Shel Silverstein’s poem “Sick” from Where the Sidewalk Ends? 

It starts out:

"I cannot go to school today,"

Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

"I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash and purple bumps.”

I have been channeling that for the last few days because I have been sick and I am a terrible sick person. Not a terribly sick person, I am just terrible at being sick. Really terrible.  As in I am a giant pain in the ass and an overgrown toddler.  The last time I had strep, I just crawled around on the floor following my ex and begging him to get me ice cream in sign language.  Then I wouldn’t eat it and would throw it all over the floor in big spoonfuls and kind of roll in it and cry.  Think of me as having the terrible twos whenever I am sick.  Poor me!

Oops!  My bad!  The Boi is going to see this and if I even have the sniffles, he is going to have me put into a giant bubble (mostly to protect the furniture) and then have to hire someone to read me The Pokey Little Puppy. 

Anyway, I am certainly not dying.  I mean, we are all dying, but I think I have a few good decades on me.  Hopefully while wearing Pradas.  I have never actually seen a Prada, but I am sure they are real nice.  I would probably be more likely to wear a Panda, but it sounded better to wear a Prada.  I don't want PETA after me.

 So I got a little sick and screwed up my body and that is probably what happens when you have been a vegetarian for 26 years but think that the four food groups are English muffins, brie, Boca Burgers and wine.  That just can’t be a balanced diet.   I went and threw my metabolism off really badly.  But at least I lost 8 pounds!  I know!  I see the positive in everything!

So my poor, poor, doctor had to take a blood draw from me two days ago to figure out exactly what my problem was and how to fix it.  I explained that she should just pick one to three problems from the handy list of check of boxes I carry around on a notepad when I meet new people.  “Nice to meet you!  I’m Jen!  Can you fill out this form so I know what is wrong with you right off the bat?  I hate taking the time to figure it out on my own.  All answers will be kept confidential.  Thanks!”   But she insisted that she needed to get some blood.  So I handed her a knife and told her stab me and just get a Dixie cup to catch the drippings. 

I am so scared of needles that when I turned 18, I decided to refuse any blood work, shots, immunizations, etc. for the rest of my life.  Then I pierced my belly button and got a bunch of tattoos, but that was different.  I don’t know why, but it is.  So I would step on a rusty nail and just say, “meh”.  You don’t need a tetanus shot.  I know this because one time I stepped on a rusty nail and didn’t want a shot so I looked it up on the internet and it said you only have a 10% chance of dying if you were a healthy adult and got tetanus.  So I rolled the dice and took my chances.  And I lived, so the internet was right AGAIN!

I had to make an appointment with an infectious disease specialist to figure out all of the things I needed for my trip to India – malaria meds, typhoid, hep A and hep B, MMR, influenza, tetanus.  Tetanus?!  Do I look like a loser? 

Last year, I had to (GOT TO!) go to India for work.  The problem was that I needed about 10 immunizations.  That is not going to go well.  For anyone.  However, I am not going to NOT go to India just because of some paranoia.  Ultimately, I am going to get over my fears to get what I want, even if it requires support staff.  This did.  I explained to the infectious disease guy with two PhDs and an MD (after I threw myself at him and asked him if he liked long walks on the beach and pina coladas and he kindly but firmly said no), so, I engaged him in the tetanus discussion.  I told him you only had a 10% chance of dying, blah blah.  He looked at me like I had just dropped out of Chico State and said, “There has only been one documented case of someone surviving tetanus in the history of research.”  So I did the math.  OK!  I am getting a tetanus shot! 

As long as I could have 35 valium, a personal handler and a service animal.  He agreed and I arrived for my appointment slugging valium, with my personal handler, my service otter (he is stuffed), a mouth guard, blackout mask and noise canceling headphones for the nurse.  Oh, and my straight jacket.   It all went over fine and then I giggled uncontrollably and had to be escorted from the office and kept cracking inappropriate medical jokes because I turn into a jerk like that when I am hyperventilating.

So back to my current illness - yesterday, some chick just strolled in and informed me she was taking some labs.  “What the hell are labs?” I asked.  “Oh just some bloodwork and a sample.”  Fine, lady.  I will pee in your cup.  I’ll pee anywhere, it doesn’t freak me out.  I had to pee in public in India like everyone does because they don’t have toilets, but you better call in fucking FEMA if you want to get a needle near me.  She ran off screaming and my doctor came back and I explained my little needle phobia.  She didn’t have a service otter or a straightjacket, but she did give me a handler and jack me up on valium.  I only screamed for like 5 minutes and 3 minutes into it they kept screaming, "we took it out 2 minutes ago!". 

Last week was a weird week – I had a number of friends who got really sick or injured, another's mom died – it was generally an off week.  Worse than Mars in retrograde, that only causes drama.  Believe me, I know.  My day job is as an HR person and I watched that astrological calendar like a hawk.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t apply solid management, legal or morale principles to my employee relations work, it just meant that I watched for extra signs of weird during those times.  And it was fairly reliable. And I avoided Scorpios in October. 

So I have been on some meds that are finally starting to lift off the part of my brain that controls the Frontal Snark Cortex.   Which means the blog is back and the Jen is hyper.  Who wants to go ride bikes and issue fashion citations?