Car

So, I'm driving to this funeral (at least I didn’t say I just flew in from Cleveland).

I grew up in Hawaii around beach culture, so having a nice car is not a virtue, it is a liability and an embarrassment.  Cars should be able to be operated with a kitchen utensil because you lost your keys in the ocean.  Cars should have holes in the floor to let the fresh sea air in and wash out the floor during the rainy season because how else are you going to get it clean?

I drove beaters for years.  I had a 1972 Datsun station wagon named Judy, a 1980 Toyota named Twanda, and a 1987 Jetta named Vivienne.  Vivienne was so great, when she died at 250k, I bought a look alike and named her Verna. 

After about two years, Verna started cheating on me.  Just like Viv did.  Her distributor cap always cracked, she would need the heat on during the summer or she would explode in anger, spraying me with hot, sticky, maple syrup breath.  She was a hot little mess, but I loved her.  The mushrooms growing on the door panel were a total plus and earned me at least one demotion at a large wireless phone provider located in Bellevue. 

I had just started a new job and was driving to a funeral in Renton.  My friend Christine's mom died suddenly and she was a ROCK to me when I lost mine.  It was in the middle of the day and I was, of course, wearing a black suit on the hottest day of the year.  Ever.  99 degrees in Seattle.  With the heater on full blast.  It wasn’t pretty. 

I was on I5 about 5 miles from the funeral and I notice the temperature gauge flashing.  I'm about to be late so I consider my options - stop in industrial South Seattle and hope I can hitch a ride or find a gas station and a cab, miss the funeral OR push it and pray.

I go for the push it and pray method.  Everything is fine.  Everything will be just fine!  I will sell this house today!  I have the heat going full blast.  I am almost there when I feel cool air instead of hot air.  Shit.  That can't possibly be a good sign.  At least I am off the freeway.  I park the car, walk the rest of the way in my sweaty black suit and hope Verna will be cool enough for coolant in 2 hours which was a good possibility because it was a Catholic funeral. 

Attend funeral.  Stand up, kneel, cross self, stand up, bow head, sit down, kneel, sing, cross dress, repeat.

After an appropriate amount of time, I go back to Verna and add coolant (why yes, I do keep loads of it in the trunk – tastes good on waffles).  Add lots and lots of coolant.  Verna seems OK.  Verna starts.  I get in Verna.  Drive Verna.  Verna stops.  Verna starts.  Verna stops.  Verna starts.  Verna stops in busy intersection.  I get out of Verna in an even sweatier black suit on the hottest day of the year ever and begin to push. 

Thank God there are still normal humans in the Renton.  In Seattle, no one would have gotten out of their H3 Lexus Audis to push me.  In Renton, four guys in different trucks got out to help "a lady in need".  Awesome, awesome people.  We push Verna to a vacant lot and I walk back to the funeral.  I am one of those people who hopes that someone will say I was a good employee at my funeral.  I have a meeting with a world famous scientist in an hour and I can’t be late.  New job, must impress. 

I walk in and approach various people and say, "I'm so sorry for your loss - are you going to Seattle?  Really?  Can I have a ride?"  Make meeting with world famous scientist leave Verna in Renton.

For some reason, it took ten days to get the dang thing towed.  Luckily I was a bike commuter at the time.  Verna was towed to shop in Renton, she gets drunk and disorderly.  In short, they can't figure it out and threaten to push her into busy road.  Verna was then taken by cabulance to the dealership in Seattle for $50k.  They say they can't get to it for a few days.  No problem!  I commute by bike!  Then I go to pick up Verna, bail was only $600!  Whee!  Drive her half block.  Verna stops.  Walk back to dealership, push car onto lot.  Go home.  Cry.  Lather, rinse, repeat for 4 more weeks.  This sucks because my roommate didn’t pay rent that month because the flyers for the rave he was working went over budget.  Fucking ravers. 

After 4 weeks of bike commuting over the “Seattle swelter” year, I come to a realization.  I am 35 years old, make decent money, and I DESERVE air conditioning.  And butt warmers.  And a giant SUV.  You know, for camping and mountain biking and stuff.  I have made up a car in my mind that doesn’t exist and I buy it anyway.  Red candy apple Jeep with fold down seats, air conditioning, killer stereo, but warmers and she doesn’t even have a name.