Humiliation, part one of several

I was talking to my former recruiter yesterday at his baby shower today (Stephen is going to be the best dad ever unless he takes his kid to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert which he would NEVER do, right, Stephen?)  Stephen is more likely to take Declan to an obscure jazz band from Patagonia anyway, so it isn't like I have to say anything.  Some people think the only good bands for children are like Hannah Indiana or something (who will likely be the ambassador to Panama by the time we can take Stephen and Ang's kid to a show).

On our old HR team, we would pass around really silly videos all day.  We worked hard too, but got a giant kick out of dumb animal videos.  He told me about this new video they had been schlepping about a woman on a dating site who was really into cats.  REALLY INTO CATS.  People also think I am REALLY INTO CATS because I have some of them and a tattoo and find them funny, but I don’t cry about them or get cat-themed dinner wear or earrings.  I might have an amusing t-shirt, but it was a gift.  The woman in the video started crying about how she wanted all the cats in the world in a giant basket on a rainbow. I am terrible at dating, I scare them all away in the first 5 minutes, but I know enough about it to know this - lady, do not bring up cats.  Ever. 

I like cats too, but that whole giant basket on a rainbow thing is messed up.  First of all, a lot of them would be crushed to death by the weight of the other cats in the little “basket”.  Second, who in the hell is going to scoop that litter?   Third, cats fall off rainbows because their claws can’t hold on to hope and love, so there is going to be mass carnage at the end of the rainbow instead of a pot of gold and I don’t think anyone wants to see that. 

So in addition to that image, this week was spent in total humiliation.  I couldn’t stand to eat anything other than Triscuits and sugar snap peas, my job prospects are not getting back to me with the speed I would like, I can’t manage to mow the lawn because it seems too hard, boys think I am creepy and one my friends tried to run me over with his Prius.  Although that was a staged shot and incredibly funny – except to the neighbor’s 3 year old. 

I actually think someone needed to film that - it was really funny - especially with me hamming it up on the sidewalk.  But I have weird stuff in my hair now like rocks, cigarette butts, PBR cans, some 13 year old from LA, post it notes and Ave Rats because I live in the U District.  I may have my first dreadlock though.  I know!

If I die by Prius, I want to make sure I have at least one dreadlock and am wearing Chuck Taylors just to stick it to the man.  And my Sid and Nancy shirt.  Feel that knife spin in your trust fund, man?!  Yeah, we punks on 8^th in our Craftsman houses are really telling you off now.  MOSH PIT! (with Nerf guns and protective footwear because we have to go to work on Monday.  Explaining the black eye thing every week is getting old and they are starting to not believe us).

So I digressed.  But this whole thing is about digressing, so don’t feel bad, I don’t even remember…….so this one time, at Jen camp…….

So back to the video - apparently it was supposed to be for a dating site.  It was weird because I actually worked in the dating industry.For two days. 

For two days, I was the salesperson for a video dating service because I was 21 and had big hair.  Aqua Net big.

I had just graduated from undergrad and was starting grad school and needed money.  I was waiting tables at night, working at the University of Maryland during the day, interning in DC every Tuesday and Thursday and working at Macy’s on the weekends.  I could piece this together to pay my rent because I got free coleslaw and biscuits from the restaurant, those little free shoe footies from Macy’s shoe department and an occasional congressman from DC. (KIDDING!  Although it was the Lewinsky era, nothing even remotely weird happened to me except when I would take calls from irate voters over "don't ask, don't tell").

I was offered a job in “sales” and I jumped at it!  I was told I could make as much as $35,000 per year! (which is more than I currently make despite having lovely credentials – this is the humiliation part.  I am about 15 minutes from calling my dad and asking if he needs the lawn mowed for $10 bucks an hour.  In Hawaii.  We don't have grass.) 

My first two days were spent in uncompensated “training”.  Totally illegal under the FLSA, but the statue of limitations expired in 1995.

I was told to pretend I was a client.  That meant wearing something inappropriate and pretending to be a candidate.  Like when the EEOC investigates you and sends over someone awful as a test case.  Bleh.  So here is what I recall of my video.

 

"Hi!  I am Jen!  I moved to the East Coast from Hawaii so I could meet new people! Who are not in the service industry!  If you like pina coladas and long walks on the beach and are really into security briefs from the TCA and Bureau of Veteran's Affairs, call me!  867-5309."

I lasted two days.

Then I became a receptionist for 3 hours.

Things are not looking up.