Homeward bound

Perth is OK if you are into pancakes.  I mean, REALLY into pancakes.  They have a pancake place on every corner.  The Halal place serves pancakes, the Korean place has pancakes – I don’t know what is going on here, but they really like pancakes.  I noticed this is in Indonesia too – tons of pancake places.  They must be catering exclusively to Perthians.  I haven’t had the guts to get an actual pancake yet, so far the food is of such epic proportions that I am terrified to eat anything.  It is like Claim Jumper got the contract on food in Australia. 

I am hardly a little blonde waif, so I shouldn’t be afraid of the sheer volume of food, but I am.  I always wanted to be one of those girls who just sat there being boring and skinny wearing weird shoes while all the cool arty guys feel in love with her.  Until she was carried off by the wind like a little spent dandelion or became a model in Japan or the subject of someone’s dissertation.  “Existential Angst and Mary” was my friend’s dissertation title – quite brilliant.  I hope Mary was wafer thin and asthmatic and really into owls.   I actually left a restaurant last night because I was offended at the portions. 

The footwear in this place is just strange.  People are either wearing flip flops or really huge shoes.  The men are dressed nicely for office work in button down shirts and ironed pants, but then they toss on these ginormous Buster Browns or huge basketball shoes.  Like the really big kind that come up to your knees.  The women are all in these Russell Crowe Roman man sandals that come up to their thighs.  It is hot here, do you really want that much leather wrapped around your legs?   If you want comfort, just go old school and toss on some Chuck Taylors. No need to break out the orthopedics, people. 

There is a certain working class hotness evident in the fashion downtown, however.  All the construction guys are wearing day glo shirts, khaki shorts and work boots.   And they are all incredibly gorgeous.  It kind of makes me wish I lived here and could call someone to fix the plumbing, although that sounds like a really bad porno.   My one true hope is that Gavin McInnes comes out of retirement and does a fashion dos and don’ts spread in Perth for Vice.  I certainly don’t have the right to criticize anyone because all I wear is black shirts and jeans.  Although I do have a shoe problem that is going to have to go away until I get a day job. 

Perth is a gorgeous city, I don’t mean to knock on it.  They have this great park that is a mere 242 steps up the hill (I know, I walked it yesterday) overlooking the river.  The produce is great, I will pretty much kill for a decent tomato and they know their way around tomatoes here.  It is wine country and the sauvignon blancs are yumtastic.  The ethnic food has an outstanding range and the people are incredibly attractive as long as you don’t look at their feet.  They seem to have imported a bunch of people from some country where they look like the Kardashians and have blue eyes.  It is impossible not to drool on them.   I am just ready to go home to my hovel that is likely covered in cat hair and overgrown weeds from the garden. 

I am staying in a cheap hotel without great sound barriers and the woman in the room next to me either has TB or anorexia.  I get to hear her gagging all night.  It will be a relief to be squished into a little row with a bunch of strangers for the next 30 hours.  They don’t generally hack up their lungs or lunch in this much proximity.   I am probably just getting cranky and I miss my friends and cats, but Perth is starting to look like a really big version of Northgate.  The same is true for Boulder, Colorado – it looks exactly like U Village.  I told my friend Pam that when I went to visit her a few years ago and she thought it was an insult. 

So homeward bound in a few hours, although it will be two days before I actually get there.  Why is everything so far away?  Wouldn’t it be faster to just launch into space and then remove gravity and plop back down?  It would be much faster than traveling at 500 mph in a plane.  Can’t we just make an anti gravity device?  Intelligent falling is what you do when you don’t believe in gravity, one of my science friends once said in response to the intelligent design debate. 

So back on an airplane to Indonesia, then Korea (I hate that fucking airport), then Vancouver then home where I can hopefully download my photos to prove I was here, get my unemployed self on the job search train, clean the house and mow the lawn.  Because it is almost time for Hop, Bok, Chirp, Meow XII – the Unemployment Version (BYOB)!  Hockey Bunny!  Hula Hooping!  Quiche!  Soup!  Easter Eggs!  A Bunnification Station!  And my chosen family.   

Oops, got all the way to the end of Australia and forgot to say, “dingos ate my baby!”