Vitamin D

It is awesome to be home – I missed my friends while I was traveling and although I can’t talk to any of them since I am only awake at 3 a.m., it is nice to know they are around.  At least the cats have begun to talk to me again and the house is finally clean. 

My roommate moved into the living room while I was gone because it was cold and all man-ified the house.  There are like giant containers of peanut butter, ground beef and Irish Spring laying all over the place.  They probably don’t actually put ground beef in containers, I wouldn’t know.  The bottom line is I am getting outnumbered here by the two guys that share my house and will have to purchase some Glade Lavender Thyme Lemongrass Spring hand soap just to win the war.  Or I could sneak in their rooms and leave copies of romance novels and People on their beds next to some rose petals and diet soft drinks.  But then I will have to charge extra for the ambiance. 

Actually, I have been downtown every day for lunch meetings and interviews, so I am talking to some actual humans, but generally about how much they want to hire me or whether there is a solid market for Pirate Zombie Mustard (don’t even think about taking this idea – me and Mike-D have already filed the patent).  I studied mind control in the army which probably explains why the neighbor just started mowing my lawn, unprovoked.  Yeah.  Or it could be the Vitamin D. I got kicked out of the army for dress code violations.  NEVER wear white shoes after Labor Day.  For reals. 

Something happens in Seattle when the sun comes out.  People come out of their caves and stop wearing black and smile.  At first they look like they are insane or sociopaths, but then you just realize it is their eyes getting used to the light after months of darkness and reality television.  People you don’t know start waving at you and it is like the whole city just took a giant dose of E.  This explains why the grocery bagger hugged me and told me he loved me when I bought some rye bread today.  I told him I loved him too, but only as a friend and then backed away very very slowly. 

Being unemployed for the first time in 25 years is weird.  Things take a really long time to do.  I used to run in to the QFC and do a week’s worth of shopping, get through a spinning class during checkout while writing a policy manual for Andra Pradesh and then save some baby seals on the way home in about 17 minutes.  Now it takes me an hour to purchase a tomato.  This can’t go on much longer.  I am only in week five of unemployment and have already volunteered to be a Master Gardner, president of the PTA, Green Lake soccer club and a cookie mom for Girl Scouts.  I don’t even have kids and I stopped drinking caffeine, so should I get a job and a latte, they are going to need to call in the National Guard to stop my “helping”.  I am afraid I am going to get a cease and desist letter from Craig’s List for applying to so many jobs. 

So, the next door neighbor who is about 22 and some kind of male model construction worker DJ, just started mowing my lawn and waving while his adorable dog scampered around my yard.  I hope this is some kind of karma because last year sucked and it is payback time for Jen.  If it is karma, I am totally ordering a pizza tonight and hoping for a no calorie five cheese I get for free because they are late and sexy delivery driver.  I must have earned this, right?  Now if a Designer Shoe Warehouse falls in my back yard, it will have been a perfect day.